I’ve been doing this project for over four months now. Pretty crazy, right?
Date: June 19, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 122
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Adam M.
Another one of my first year college hall-mates, Adam was destined for med school.
Along with the immediately preceding people, Julie and Gregorio, myself, and Adam, I believed we were a quick group of friends. Adam and I were supposed to be second year roommates as well. However, I was hired as a Resident Advisor my second year; I didn’t do a great job with that hiccup.
Anyway, today I’m reminded how great Kenyon College actually was. Living in a small community, where your friends were always easily found somewhere, where you felt surrounded by peers of a certain intelligence and drive, where things just happened, where you could walk down a hallway in a dorm and just hang out with the people you connected with… that’s pretty magical.
I kinda wish life could still be like that in adulthood.
Music I listened to while sewing: Sleep No More…
I dreamt I was back at the McKittrick last night, only this time the characters were completely new to me and had grown in number and the hotel itself was an entirely different creation. It was just as theatrical, much more interactive, and I found myself experiencing it without the obligatory mask.
There are days when I really wish I could wander those halls permanently, you know? Just live in a different reality for a while. Just be surrounded by people that intrigued you and you were connected with. Just be a part of something.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I have to say this, if only to remind myself… We really just need to be enough for ourselves.
What am I doing this for? What am I living this life for?
How do you remind yourself and convince yourself that you are NOT a failure? That your worth isn’t tied to your hourly rate or your project fees or your bank account or that you don’t have extra cash to spend on things just for fun? That your worth is NOT connected to a number?
How do we get other people to see that?
It hurts when people you sincerely believe should love you and support you, do so with conditions. When those people remind you that you’ve become a burden and your life is hurtful and painful and scary to them. When they can’t see that you’re just living in the world as you experience it and are making steps forward as best you can. When you realize they don’t understand how to be proud of you. When you start to doubt if you’ve done anything that is worth, not only their’s, but your own pride.
When you feel lost and alone in their world, but not your own.
When you realize they don’t want to understand your world. When you realize they don’t even register that you have your own world.
They’ll probably read this. Oh well.
There are times when I wish I could run away from all of this with my dog and disappear or just explain to them that they don’t have to pretend anymore.
I don’t know if they’re embarrassed of me because I’m poor, because I design for theater, because I live in New York, because I’m gay, or what. I really just don’t know.