Date: June 12, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 115
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Andrew M., the youngest child of Dave and Nancy M.
Music I listened to while sewing: “Shades of Marble.” It’s a song from the The Skin I Live In soundtrack. But, thanks to the glories of Spotify, I found out that it’s by an artist named Trentemoller. So, I’m now listening to an album called “Into the Great Wide Yonder.”
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: So, two things.
I suppose three years at the Yale School of Drama, where you’re told repeatedly that you can’t draw and your sketches are never right, something good comes out of it. When a director and a group of actors see the sketches, and exclaim how “exciting” and “beautiful” they are, it can actually make you feel a little grateful… instead of overly proud.
I guess it’s important to learn how to be humble when doing this. I know I can draw. Even though I hesitate (i.e. avoid) to use paints and watercolors when sketching for shows (I prefer pencils and markers), I can do this and do it well. On one level, I understand this. On another level, I always hear my old teachers telling me I have no business drawing hands and fingers and even fingernails (?) and that I should just keep trying and that my work always is out of proportion.
Even though the humility is important to have (and display), it’s also important to move on. That was the past, I know now I can do this. I’m not necessarily seeking anyone’s “pat on the back” with what I do or produce or draw. I just need people to hire me.
Second, I took the job that will pay me $500 to design a show. That $500 is also my materials budget for a show with 6 actors. It puts you in a tricky place; I want to actually get paid for the work, so how do I force myself to AVOID spending as much money as possible? I know I won’t take home any money at the end of this project, so how do I not allow myself to feel put upon?
Do you ever feel like you have no idea where you’re going or where you’re headed in life… and you feel kinda okay with that?
Ever feel like things aren’t great, but you know they aren’t bad necessarily… and you feel kinda okay about that too?
I guess I’m learning to give up on many life “milestones” that most people expect. I guess I’m learning to just take it as it comes, and I can’t decide if that’s awesome or sad or noble or misguided or what-have-you.
Here’s to another day.
One step at a time.