Green seemed like such an appropriate color this morning… even if this skews towards mint and teal.
Date: June 10, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 113
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Dana M., the eldest daughter of Nancy and Dave.
She babysat my brother and I frequently growing up. I think she’s a nurse now.
Music I listened to while sewing: Sunday in the Park with George.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: One of the last times I made a green Crane, I said it was for the “green light” symbolism in The Great Gatsby: hope. Today, I’m skewing the other end of the emotional spectrum. I couldn’t help but think of being “green with envy.”
I’m a little jealous this morning.
Not bitterly. Not angrily. Maybe just frustratingly?
Watched the Tonys last night with some friends who work in theater; since one of us wouldn’t get home from his show until 10:30pm, we met up at 11 to watch. I brought The Dog, since all three of us have dogs (and they all like each other!)… the two of us didn’t get home until 2:30am. I didn’t get in bed until 3. I woke up at 7.
So maybe the exhaustion is clouding my thoughts right now. It’s certainly possible.
Last night, at 3 in the morning, I was proud and actually very inspired by what I watched on TV last night. I’ve been there! I’ve worked on shows like that before! I know several of those people! Part of the reason I couldn’t go to bed immediately was because I was so excited to get back to working on my Tempest costume sketches. I was driven by what I had just watched; I wanted to work harder and do better work and work more and I wanted to get there.
This morning, I started to dwell on wanting to get there. And how so many of us won’t get the chance to do so. And how so many people I know were there. And how so many people seem to be lucky (“#blessed” as people jokingly/mockingly say this days) or luckier than I’ve been this year. And how there are so many of us. And how I don’t seem to know the “right” people: the people who want to work with me or support me or stand up for me.
I know I’m being incredibly petty and ungrateful right now. I’ve been lucky (#blessed). I’ve had good opportunities. I’ve been a part of that madness before. It’s fun and intoxicating.
But it’s not necessarily The Best. And it’s not necessarily The Answer, or even The Solution or The End-Goal.
The Tonys represent a very specific kind of theater; while I want to be a part of that community again, I have to remind myself that I am a part of a community. I need to remind myself that sometimes the work I find most exciting and inspiring isn’t necessarily always found there (Sleep No More, anyone?). I need to remind myself that because there’s more money involved and people to help and work and realize ideas, it isn’t perfect or easy or ideal. It’s all work. There’s never enough of anything: time, money, work, talent.
There’s never enough.
Here’s to more opportunity, wherever we want to find it and wherever it finds us.