Date: June 6, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 109
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Sammy.
Remember yesterday’s Crane? And how I dedicated it to a friend who set me up on my first blind date?
Well, Sammy was the date.
And does ANYONE’S first date go over well? Especially if you’re approaching 17? And your first date is also a BLIND date?
I guess it wasn’t meant to blossom into anything more than what it was: two gay teenagers, who had a friend in common, from two entirely different areas of Indiana, meeting awkwardly at a restaurant and seeing where things would go.
I guess it says how small (lonely?) my teenage gay community was back in the mid-90s. I was willing to drive almost an hour to meet an acquaintance whom I was told thought my picture was cute.
The lengths we all go to in order to get ourselves “out there.” Right?
I don’t remember much of the date. We met at a mall parking lot. We spent some time eating dinner. We drove around a bunch. We ended up parking his car next to a local park. Things were fumbling along interestingly and blindly for a bit.
Until some group of teenagers saw us and decided they needed to chase us and yell derogatory remarks at us.
We got in the car and drove away quickly.
So, not only was my first date ever a set-up blind date, but it also involved some verbal gay-bashing. Awesome.
I suppose this might explain my fear that I don’t know how to catch anyone’s eye in public or even flirt in public situations. Or maybe, even though I now live in New York City, I’m still wary of any type of public display of affection.
Maybe I’m just aloof. Or shy?
Anyway, Sammy and I never hung out again after that evening. Laura M., my matchmaker, also never attempted to intervene in my social life again either.
Music I listened to while sewing: Spotify suggested I listen to Rob Garza Remixes this morning. I embraced that suggestion!
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: What makes any of us happy?
As I’ve spent the past few days sketching ideas for a production of The Tempest that’s set to open in July, I enjoyed that. I met with the director yesterday, and I felt like we were “collaborating” over the ideas… Most everything was good, I just need to fine tune some small details. That was fun.
I’m going to the gym today. I enjoy running.
I’ll head to the dog park with The Dog soon. I enjoy seeing him play with his friends. I even enjoy that he gets exhausted and “asks” that I carry him part of the way home.
I enjoy New York. I like its scale, its possibility, its availability, its energy.
I don’t enjoy this feeling that’s come to the forefront of my life in the past week, this realization that when things get dicey or upsetting, that I don’t have many close friends to turn to. I don’t enjoy realizing that there is a separation between friends, real friends, and the work friends that I make easily and have more of in my life.
I don’t like feeling that I’ve failed at this aspect in life, worrying that I’m not as social as I once was. You know, work and time and money and owning the dog and living up here in Washington Heights… those things just make it difficult at times to get out.
Or are those simply excuses?
I hate that I feel this way right now. I really do wish I could call someone and easily schedule a time to do something with them. Perhaps it’s just a weird part of working freelance here; everyone’s busy right now (and I’m sadly slow) and a little tight on cash and focused on themselves. Ugh.
Well, at least I have The Dog, you know?