I feel like the world has changed this week.
Date: May 30, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 102
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: D’Anna S.
Another friend from Brebeuf, although I do feel like D’Anna and I were especially good friends.
I was her date for our Senior Prom. I bought her a wrist corsage and dutifully played the (gay) boy (space) friend who took her out that night.
I feel like we must have been in all the same classes, because so much of my memories of Junior and Senior year include her. In my memory, I believe she was the stage manager for more than a few of the productions presented at Brebeuf. I’m sure she was a part of “our country” the years we were involved in Model UN. She was the person who introduced me to Kenny Rogers and My Best Friend’s Wedding and Dirty Dancing.
She had the most amazing car: a seemingly ancient white station wagon that felt like you were riding in a boat, floating down the streets of Indianapolis.
She was so much smarter than I ever was. She was determined for medicine and good schools. I think I just wanted to be comfortable.
Music I listened to while sewing: A friend has suggested some albums to listen to (and sing-yell to and dance to) that she enjoys whenever she gets upsetting news. Robyn’s Body Talk was near the top of the list.
Tomorrow I will move onto Lady Gaga or possibly Madonna.
Suggestions are welcome, of course.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Still reeling. Still feeling adrift.
Made every intention of being productive and starting over today; before bed last night, I wrote out a to-do list of things that would keep me busy. I would sew a Crane and write about it. I would take The Dog to the dog run. I would get to the gym. I would buy a new tote bag as my trusty go-to bag imploded over the weekend. I would draw sketches for a new show.
I’ve sewn my Crane and I’m now writing about it. I did get to the gym. It’s too hot for The Dog to spend much time outside. I haven’t found a bag yet that suits my needs and that I can afford. The thought of starting work on a different show actually makes me feel lost.
I’ve actually bitten off most of my fingernails today. I’ve done a lot of people watching.
I’ve been made aware by a friend that we all have thresholds of tolerance, and I’ve obviously reached mine concerning this past production. I am, and should be, completely relieved to no longer be attached to it. It IS a blessing in disguise. I DID dodge a bullet. I understand and I know this.
But it still sucks and it strangely stings; I compare this experience to having a lover/partner/boyfriend break up with you for very tenuous reasons. What happened? What did I do? Why am I so easily replaced?
Well, nothing happened and I did my job perhaps too well and someone else will now have to deal with the issues that I was warned not to deal with or talk about.
I’ll try and get back on track soon. I promise.