I call this one “Adrift.”
Because, you know, I feel adrift today.
Date: May 29, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 101
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Zach H.
As I started to wade into the “theater scene” at Brebeuf, I quickly became the gay boy who would do the musicals hands-down, who wanted the leads in them (even though my singing was and is questionable). I also wanted to be cast in the plays, and I was cast each time I auditioned.
But I was never going to be the star of the play; I always felt as if I was overshadowed by one of my high school classmates.
His name was Zach. He was the popular straight boy who could play the “manly” parts (and I say that with a smirk now because how “leading man” can 16 year old high school boys be in the main roles?). He was funny as Nick Bottom. He was commanding as Tom Cruise in our production of A Few Good Men.
(And who does A Few Good Men with high schoolers?)
He was popular and adored and a leader and I was insanely jealous of him and his stature and his talent and his ease with people.
We got along, I’m almost positive we did. But I think I wanted to be more like him: confident, funny, charming, smart, charismatic, a role model, respected.
He isn’t an actor these days, from what I gather on Facebook, but he is still doing good and fighting the good fight in LA.
Music I listened to while sewing: Blue Sky Black Death. Again.
Their music really isn’t as bad or dark as it sounds, I swear.
Thoughts/Feelings behing the block: On a day like today, I am reminding myself of things I should remember.
I should remember the following…
… some things just aren’t meant to be.
… some people will just not like you.
… there are no guarantees in life.
… we are, sadly, easily replaced.
… loyalty, as far as work is concerned, doesn’t necessarily run very deep.
… there will be a friend who will want to listen to you vent.
… you can’t take it personally, even if it feels like you’ve been personally attacked.
… you have to keep moving.
I know this isn’t very eloquent today. I’ll just say I’ve had a really intense past five days, personally and professionally, and I don’t really know what’s happening and I don’t feel like I’m in control of much.
What makes this large situation weirder is that I’m completely calm right now. I’m not angry or scared or anxious or happy about anything that’s recently happened. I’m just calm and kind of okay with it.
Well, I did have an overwhelming sense of relief for a while this afternoon. An hour ago, after having talked to a friend, I did get a little angry. So to say that I’m completely even keeled right now isn’t 100% truthful.
I wish things were easier. I wish things weren’t personal. I wish things could be straightforward.
A colleague today told me that something pretty amazing is going to happen to me in the future if I’ve had to put up with all this bull$h-t in such a condensed period of time.
Take care of yourselves and be healthy. Tomorrow is another day. Get some sleep.