Date: May 27, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 99
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Katie R., another friend from Brebeuf.
It’s weird; I know she was one of the major high school friends by the time senior year came around. But I can’t remember any specific stories. I can remember her voice clearly. I can remember she was in Godspell with me, and that we did Model UN together. She was incredibly smart. I’m sure she wanted to be a doctor. She was determined. Her sister even dated my brother for a long spell.
But I can’t remember any specific stories.
That’s so bizarre.
Music I listened to while sewing: I spent this afternoon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, specifically to tour the Punk Chaos to Couture exhibit and also the Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity.
The Punk exhibit, while fun, felt like it was grasping a bit. The Impressionism exhibit was breathtaking.
Galleries of Impressionist Paintings displayed alongside clothes of the period: gowns, men’s suits, parasols, corsets (!), gloves, etc. It was incredibly moving to see the clothes that would have been worn by the artist’s subjects or inspired the artist. There was even one particular dress that was the exact dress painted. Truly amazing to see how delicate that period was; the silhouette might seem structural and overwhelming, maybe even upholstered, but the fabrics and the manipulation of the fabrics was done with a fine hand. Good to see up close.
There was also a study done by Seurat for his Sunday Afternoon at La Grande Jatte.
So, of course I’m listening to the Sondheim musical again.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Life is just confusing at times.
I will be honest when I say that someday I hope to meet someone that will want to spend the rest of my life with. I am honest when I say that I hope to make and nurture friendships with people who inspire me and support me and will be there for me and make life pleasant.
But sometimes life throws you curveballs that reinforce the fear of connecting personally with people.
We all have our issues and imperfections and hang-ups. We’re all difficult at times.
Some people are simply messed up. And their mess is so perverse that is messes up other people.
I find it hard sometimes to justify my desire to have what everyone else seems to have so easily- the partner, the wife/husband, the boyfriend/girlfriend, or even a close group of friends that will always be there- with my desire to protect myself from hurt. I’ve said before that I’m incredibly wary of dating after my last serious relationship imploded (as it would have eventually; we were in two different worlds in New York). I didn’t like how dependent I felt at times, while also craving independence. I didn’t feel comfortable opening up. When the relationship ended, the actual feeling of missing a part of you hurt.
I described it as having a pillow around your heart. I also said it felt like I had to breathe deeply, just to fill the emptiness inside my chest.
The short of the matter is that it’s hard for me to make friends and almost impossible for me to flirt. The long part of the matter is that I keep learning that some people are incredibly messed up, and they effect the people around them.
It’s hard, isn’t it?
Thank goodness it’s only a four day week… not that it will mean much for me, but the idea is appreciated.