Today is such a freaking day.
Pardon my language.
Date: May 26, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 98
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Melita V., another one of the group in high school.
She was incredibly smart, a little quiet, but always friendly and positive. She was always at the top of every class. I feel like she was going to be a doctor.
Strangely, I also remember she had an- at the very least- FORTY minute drive to school. Before she had her own license and car to drive herself, she would get to school crazy early… maybe an hour or so before classes started. She would always be there- sitting at her locker with books or in a common study area doing work- when I would arrive.
I now find that observation amazing.
But, it’s funny, isn’t it? I surrounded myself easily with people who were smart and did well in our high school classes. I naturally was drawn to them. I had an ease around the people who were comfortable doing homework together and did well in class and excelled at things.
Those people, and the ones who displayed sparks of creativity or quirkiness, were the ones I chose to spend my time with every day.
I’m actually quite thankful to be able to realize that: if I spent my time around people like that, I must have been like that too.
Music I listened to while sewing: Ke$ha! I actually really enjoy her music… and I don’t think I’m ashamed to admit it.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: So, I don’t normally start choosing a fabric and color combination for any specific, real reason in the morning. Usually it’s a process of seeing one fabric that grabs me, and then fumbling through my collection of scraps and fabric quarters until I find something that seems right.
But this morning, I really wanted a green-on-green Crane.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit this week about The Great Gatsby; even though I haven’t seen the new Baz Luhrmann film yet, and I haven’t read the book since high school, the image of Gatsby staring across the bay- towards that green light at the end of the dock on Daisy’s property- has been stuck in my mind. It’s generally accepted that the light is one of the most important symbols in the book, and it’s agreed upon meaning is usually Hope.
I really do hope to God or to Whomever that each day is not only about taking one step but two. I really do hope, especially considering my past week- which has felt full of Big Choices that potentially have Big Consequences- that I’ve made some progress to counteract all the backwards motion that I feel I’ve made recently.
It’s hard to stand up for yourself. It’s hard to work for people that you now know won’t stand up for you. It’s hard to convince people they aren’t being reasonable when they’re only focused on the bottom line.
I’ve tried to stand up for myself and the people who are working with me. It’s hard to do- sometimes it even hurts- but you have to try and even understand that someone will get upset.
I have learned so much this past week, especially these past few days.
I really do hope I’m moving forward. Even if it’s slow movement, please don’t let me be backtracking. Please let this energy, this effort, this stress, the sleepless nights… please let it be getting me somewhere.
I really just want a Green Light of my very own to exist, so I can focus my stare at something when it gets dark out. Because it feels so freaking dark at times like this.
Pardon my language.