Had an incredibly hard time deciding between fabrics and colors today. My initial impulse was an all green Crane. Then black. Then turquoise and green.
After about 20 minutes, I just grabbed these two pastels and called it a day.
Date: May 17, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 89
Person I would have sent it to: Another person in my support system right now, Michael McD. He’s now designing costumes full-time, and quite busy; I first met him when he was working at the Public a few years ago.
We don’t see each other in public often, but he’s been following my misadventures on Facebook. And he comments frequently. And he’s also a good sounding board and advice giver.
And, it’s nice to know that there are other people who will admit that times do get trying in this business. That’s nice to know.
Music I listened to while sewing: Mika. Again. Anything to boost the mood around here.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I’m amazed how tenuous my grasp on a pleasant frame of mind is.
I’m back in the mindset from earlier this year when I started this project. Woke up at 5, having some wicked anxiety dreams. I managed to get back to sleep and let myself sleep in until 8:30am.
I am not happy today. I am not feeling upbeat.
I’m again convinced I’m crazy and angry and manic and rude and off-putting and ugly and bloated and stupid and inexperienced and young and green and arrogant and unwanted and alone and sick and dying and depressed.
I sabotage myself. I know I do. I ate crap food last night and drank some wine to “calm down,” which actually made me worry more about this project I’ve gotten myself into.
I need to take a breather. I need to get to a grocery store and get better food. I need to head to the gym, even if for a 15 minute run. I need to get myself through this 2:30 meeting with general management, where they will again talk down to me and treat me like I haven’t done this before. I will meet my friend Eddie to talk through the project and make a plan to get this management team to understand the scale of it. I will come home. I will keep working on reorganizing this project.
I will not feel guilty for sticking up for the fee I’ve asked for. Considering the situation that we (actually THEY) are in… my fee is reasonable.
While I have to be willing to negotiate, they do too. I know this takes work; their insistence that there will be no further work or complications is a fantasy.
I can’t let this team send me back down that path. I was in a pretty good place until I started dealing with them face-to-face. I have to figure out a way to avoid letting work shut down my entire life.
Okay, so while I’d love to get the dog to the dog park, I’m running behind and I need to get myself on track.
This means gym for a bit. Choose a better outfit. Smile a bit. Drink water. Eat some vegetables. Smile through the meeting. Remind them and myself that we’re all on the same project. Work with Eddie. Go home. Go to bed.
One freaking day at a time.