And it’s the weekend.
Too bad I feel booked.
Feast or Famine.
Date: May 11, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 83
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: Now is as good a time as any.
Today’s Crane is for Mark E., a neighbor and fellow dog owner up in The Heights.
Mark, I really wish the details of life were different. I really wish you weren’t moving across the country for work. I really wish I didn’t have all these prior experiences with boyfriends who decided they needed a Work-Life-Change and hauled themselves across the the States or even the world. I really wish I weren’t so confused by all of this. I really wish I were more upfront with my feelings about this, instead of getting petty and pissy and non-committal. I really wish you hadn’t told me last January that you weren’t looking to date. I really wish you hadn’t told me you considered dating me.
I really wish you hadn’t told me that I never seemed interested. I really wish you had seen the texting and the dog-walks and the talks and the doggy play dates as interest.
I really wish I knew how to flirt.
I really wish I weren’t afraid of all of this. But I am. For a variety of reasons, not just the reason you keep telling me.
I don’t date. I’ve decided the feeling of heartbreak is too painful for me. I don’t like how I get dependent at times. I’m driven and get stuck in ruts that I have a hard time breaking out of. I’m a bit aloof and awkward. I prefer solitary time. I get overwhelmed easily. I’ve decided to stop dating to focus on repairing Me, not to wallow in angst or loneliness. As much as I want companionship at times, I worry that I’m too much work for someone else to handle.
Mark, I really wish the details of life were different. I’m sorry, and I know I should say this to your face. I do.
Music I listened to while sewing: Mumford and Sons. I couldn’t think of a reason, but I started and it’s still playing.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Yesterday, this popped up on my Facebook feed…
“Ya know what? I was sitting around today. Feeling sorry for myself. Blaming the world. And then it hit me. This is on me. All of it. Its all on me. If I really go back and see the choices I made and where I could have chosen less out of fear and more from a place of “yes”… These things I tell myself I’m at the mercy of would not be present. So. I take responsibility for it. All of it. And now… I choose the other way. Lets see what fucking happens now, shall we?”
Anyway, let’s take ownerships of all our choices. Let’s at least try to embrace the good the bad, the things we’re proud of and the things we want to forget, the things we blame others for and the things we thank ourselves for.