Another month in… Happy May, everyone.
Hope we’ve all remembered to send our rent checks in!
Date: May 1, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 73
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: The summer before I started my freshman year at Brebeuf, I took an Intro to Computers class (this was, after all, the early 90s; we had to learn how to use programs that would eventually turn into Word or Excel. How quaint… right?)
I was convinced by my parents that it would be a good way to meet people and know my way around the school before classes started. I believed I’d have a leg up on all my future classmates, already knowing and befriending handfuls of students and navigating the hallways with ease.
There were only a handful of us in the class, maybe 6 or 7 of us total.
And, as is typical of me, I was the shy one. Yes, in a group that small, I managed to be the awkward kid in the corner.
I’ve always been a winner.
But, there was one person there I met who would become, not necessarily one of my closest friends, but someone who would make a lasting and important impression on me and my life’s direction.
Theresa P., this Crane is for you.
Again, she was confident, energetic, smart, funny, vivacious… She was everything I needed to get me to leave my shell.
(If you’re paying attention, you might start to notice that a series of socially confident, intelligent, and driven women play a large role in my life.)
While the introduction was made there, it wasn’t until my junior year that she really started to make a difference. By then, she was a small high school celebrity for being active in the Indianapolis community theater scene. She knew actual adults who *did* theater in their adult lives. She hung out with them with ease. She talked about theater with passion.
She and I also shared the stage together in our high school theater productions. She brought me into that world, and I have to thank her for sharing that time with me.
She also, being active in the community theater scene, knew adults who also happened to be gay. For a kid who was starting to struggle with his homosexuality- I started the coming out process in 1995 when I was 16!- knowing someone who knew other gay people was also eye-opening and comforting and exciting and reassuring.
She and I are still friends, only on Facebook however. From what I know, she still lives in Indianapolis. I was convinced she would be the one to escape and make it big. She’d be the star. She’d be the one to command attention and go the distance. Yet, as life sometimes does, she has had to choose a different path. The last time we talked, I gathered she was happy.
I hope she’s happy. Really happy.
Because she makes and has made so many other people so happy.
Music I listened to while sewing: I’m listening to Tycho again. I may or may not be listening to the song “Walk” on repeat.
I’m sure my neighbors love me.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Today I have to remind myself that it doesn’t do me, or any of us, any good to be jealous of what you don’t have.
I’ll admit something: the one aspect of theater that I do not enjoy is that there is no way to predict or control or shape the path you take when you choose to live life as a freelancer who works it.
I wish that the choices I have made in the past would guarantee me a path that would always lead up. I wish I could be guaranteed some sense of security.
I’ve done the awesome internship and apprenticeships at great companies. I’ve worked with respected groups. I got a really great MFA from a really respected program. I can draw well. I can read a play and break it down and create a world on stage using clothes. I’ve got great experience.
But those pluses don’t always mean everything.
There isn’t a straight trajectory in this business. You take what you get. You keep trying to get more. You keep working as best you can. You try to sell the work that you can do.
I have to keep reminding myself of this; it does no good to myself as a theater artist or as a human being to allow my envy of other people’s careers and work color my mood or opinions of myself. I have done great work in the past. I have met great people. I will do more good work in the future. I will continue to meet people.
I just have to keep reminding myself to keep working. To focus on the things you can control: my product and my eye and my collaboration.
It is a waste of time to allow the Inner-Me the power to ruin my self-esteem or my hope or my belief that I am a part of this community and this world at large.
We all have to have trust in ourselves and confidence!
I’m sure there are things in your lives that leave you unsatisfied or upset.
Let’s work on our confidence today. Let’s face the struggle ahead. Let’s see it as an opportunity.
Cheers; I’m off to tech and dress a show tonight. All in four hours!