I was feeling a bit down when I woke up this morning, despite giving myself an extra 40 minutes of sleep (all my plans today were rescheduled).
Thankfully, after piecing this guy together, I think things are back to normal.
Thank heavens for Cranes.
Date: April 23, 2013
Days Spent on Project: 65
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: David T.
It would be unfair to peg *all* the bullying I experienced in Middle School on one person. It would be wrong of me to say one person was in charge and in control of it all.
David represents, for me, one aspect of the bullying I experienced. While others were content to make fun of me on superficial levels, David took it to a different level, a threatening one.
And, in all honesty, because none of us are perfect or innocent beings, I might have instigated the bullying. Trying to pinpoint to a moment in time when this antagonism started is foolish, in a way. I know we were in the same 7th grade Home Economics class; I know we were assigned to work in the same group on cooking lessons.
Do students in middle school still have to take Home Ec?
Maybe he felt uncomfortable having to cook with a group of girls (I include myself in that group of girls). Maybe it was a bit weird that I enjoyed the cooking lessons as much as I did. Maybe my comfort and confidence in those mock kitchens threw the accepted middle school power of balance off. Maybe I was too confident for my own good.
The point here is I can’t tell you how this antagonism started.
I can tell you it evolved into physical threats. I can tell you I was afraid to go to school. I can tell you I didn’t want to be alone ever outside or inside or seen by him without an adult nearby.
I can tell you it ended badly: he was expelled for the year.
When he returned to seventh grade, when I was starting my eight grade year, things were changed. I was still nervous; but the separation of classes and years kept us apart.
But the damage was done. I now had a reputation in school for causing trouble, for upsetting things, getting parents involved, and being weak.
Why is Middle School so incredibly complex?
Music I listened to while sewing: I woke up with a strange desire to hear some of Shel Silverstein’s poems this morning. After a quick Spotify search, I found recordings of him reading several of his works.
That man was bizarre. Wonderful and funny and lovely and brilliant, but bizarre.
Do parents still read him to children?
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Today is a day where I will need to spend some time reminding myself that I need to respect myself.
I need to be kind to myself.
I need to accept who I am and where I am and what I am.
I need to tell myself if that makes me unhappy or frustrated, the answer is not to keep perpetuating those aspects of myself; I either need to embrace them or figure out a way to redirect them.
There’s no point in being upset at the world for things you’re unhappy with.
Today is a day to remind myself that I can change my perspective. I need to remind myself that I will make stupid choices and do embarrassing things, but I can move on from them.
There are few things in life that we do that are so disastrous that we can’t choose to move forward and onward. It’s up to us (I mean, me) to make the effort.