Block 50: April 8, 2013



Two things.

One: I’m super tired right now.

Two: I need to figure out a better lighting situation when I have to take these pictures with my iPhone and sunlight isn’t readily available. Discovering that my apartment isn’t keen on being easily or well-lit…

Date: April 8, 2013

Crane: 50 (1/20th of the way there!)

Days Spent on Project: 50

Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC

Person I would have sent it to: This one is a doozy. Do I continue going through the people that I remember as having some influence and effect on my time in elementary school? Do I try to keep this project as chronological as possible while I still easily can?

I’m leaving the linear dedication of these Cranes for the day.

James J., this Crane is for you.

As of today, I’ve not yet known you for three years. I’m not sure if we were ever meant to be more than a casual friendship or a relationship that fizzled just as fast as it started. Considering that we only see each other- randomly at best- maybe once a year, I feel it’s safe to admit that our friendship survives and grows and, yes, started on Facebook back in 2010.

Thanks for putting up with me. Thanks for trying to understand. Thanks for staying in touch.

Thanks for the phone calls, the messages, the texts, the random pokes.

Thanks for the attempt at a blind date last night; I’m really flattered that, for some reason, you thought of me.

Thanks for not being put off when I told you I’m not looking to date anyone at the present moment.

Thanks for at least pretending that you weren’t disappointed.

Thanks for not asking too specifically “why.”

Thanks for understanding.

Music I listened to while sewing: Audra McDonald. Her rendition of “Stars and the Moon” has not only been on repeat for most of today and tonight, I was frequently singing it (softly) as I went about my business today. In public, of course.

‘Cause I’m awesome like that.

Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: I’m in a weird place today.

Yes, it was nice to have some freelance shopping work to do for a new project. Yes, it was nice being out during the day, and accomplishing tasks that needed to be done. Yes, it’s nice to know I’ll be getting a small paycheck soon.

I’m just a bit flustered. Perhaps it’s that my routine was thrown off as I was gone from 9 until after 6, and that The Dog didn’t get as much exercise as he would have liked and I couldn’t piece this Crane together until the evening. Perhaps it’s that I just spent all day on my feet going downtown to midtown to downtown to uptown and mid and then down and than back up again.

Perhaps it’s that I didn’t get to bed until 1am after last night’s little blind dinner date.

(Was I really being set up with someone last night? What was James thinking?)

Perhaps it’s that I stayed up later than that, talking to a friend in DC on the phone… trying to get some frustrations off my chest.

Maybe I should admit that I am purposefully taking myself off the dating scene right now. I haven’t been on a date since January, and I LOVE that. I just don’t want to deal with the angst that seems to accompany the New York dating scene. I really don’t want to deal with the angst that seems to accompany the New York GAY dating scene. My decision to abstain from dating is selfish; I want to focus on myself and get myself on a better track.

Because you know what: Young or old, straight or gay, experienced or green… guys are just difficult.

Maybe I should also admit that I’m frustrated that it seems like all my friends are now married or in committed relationships and post pictures of their children all over Facebook. When did that happen?

Maybe I should admit that I want to go on a date- a date that gets me feeling “the butterflies,” as a friend terms it.

Anyway, as much as I want to be above it all, I just need to admit that I want to date someone again seriously.

Over and out. Tomorrow’s another day. And I have to walk The Dog again.

Cheers. Good luck. You’re a gift.


2 thoughts on “Block 50: April 8, 2013

  1. Dear Mr. Cranemaker,
    You have been a daily gift to my psyche… my life over these past few weeks. Through your words, I am able to understand myself more clearly. Thank you for writing your thoughts. I look forward to them every day!

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