Happy St. Patrick’s Day, friends.
In honor of the day, we’ll call this one “Shamrock Shake,” right?
Date: March 17, 2013
Location: Apartment, Washington Heights, NYC
Person I would have sent it to: my grandfather, Karl.
Music I listened to while sewing: More amazingness from Spotify.
Today’s playlist is called “Chill Out.” It seemed appropriate for the mood I was in last night.
Thoughts/Feelings behind the block: Yes, it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, it’s appropriate that today’s Crane is green.
But it’s also appropriately green because I’ve been really wondering about jealousy and envy these days.
Last night, a friend posted on Facebook that “there is never enough time!” I responded (even though I am earnestly trying to refrain from posting or commenting on FB these days; I honestly don’t see much point in it anymore): “I have more than enough!”
The post and my comment actually made me upset. I assumed she was talking about work. I could be wrong but, knowing her, the post was about a production she’s been working on. I have very little work right now. I have too much time. I’m having trouble securing more shows right now (I have been told it’s slow for a lot of people, so I’m trying not to take this seriously).
I was actually irritated with my friend. Why over-book yourself when others are scrambling? Is there really “never enough time” if you have time to post on Facebook?
Freelance careers aren’t easy. Your ability to secure work and employ yourself is dependent on outside factors that you don’t have full control over. We learn to take the work when it comes. You don’t question the work. You do it. You foster relationships in the hope that people will contact you first when they need a job done.
In a way, it isn’t personal.
Each freelancer has gone down their own path; we deal with the repercussions of our choices, the quality of our work, the dependability of our networking, the uncertainty of not having a “real” job that most of us were conditioned to strive for in our youth.
I’ll admit I am jealous that some of my friends seem to bounce from show to show to show. That they never have downtime. That they are never broke. That they know “better” people. That they work on “better” productions.
But think about this. I have done some pretty amazing work myself. I know some pretty awesome contacts. I spent all of last year fully employed. I made enough money to actually move into a better apartment. I own a dog. I enjoy having some downtime because I have outside interests that I actually try to cultivate as much as possible.
If I’m jealous of some of my friends. There has to be someone out there who has been jealous of my opportunities at some point.
It’s a spiral that we all go down occasionally. My insecurities aren’t unique to me. Envy and jealousy are only damaging if they cause me/us to: destroy/injure relationships, harm ourselves, effect our work negatively, or keep us from relating to others.
If anything, it should remind me to keep my head in the game. Keep working. Keep networking. Keep striving.
It should also remind me not to check Facebook before bed.
What’s that phrase: Facebook allows us to compare other’s highlight reels with our B-sides?